5.27.2005
I never had any strong desire to 'be" anything. I
remember vague desires to be an interior decorator,
anthropologist or archaeologist, but no real idea how
one got involved with these fields.
In High School, I was one of the "drama club" kids. I
did well enough on the standardized tests to make the
teachers sigh over how I didn't "apply myself" in
class. I had a passion for photography, teaching
myself camera and darkroom skills and I wanted to take
auto shop, masonry and print class, but was
discouraged because those were "vocational" subjects.
As a child of the upper middle class, I was on the
college track, and blue-collar jobs were not for me.
My parents, although supportive, never provided any
guidance about what they wanted me to be, or how to
find out what I might do in the world. I remember
asking for help. Whenever the conversation came up
they'd say "do whatever you want, we just want you to
be happy." There also was a strong unspoken
undercurrent that whatever I did, it would involve a
husband and babies.
When it came time to choose a school and an area of
study, I worried about not having a calling, but my
professors and many other adults I respected pitched
the benefits of a liberal arts education, so I studied
sciences and arts, eventually graduating with a dual
degree in arts and environmental studies.
So, here I am in my 40's, with a 20-year career in the
computer industry (that's nice and vague right?)
having worked for some very ineresting companies, on
some very interesting projects with some very
interesting people. Why don't I have any pride in what
I've done? Perhaps becuase I never intended to end up
here, doing what I do.
Recently, I've tried to find a way to shift my
identity from what I DO to what I AM I indulge my
creative side by sewing, cooking and drawing. I take
care of my body with yoga and dance. I spend time with
the people who give me energy rather than drain it.
Mostly, it is working and I am more content.
remember vague desires to be an interior decorator,
anthropologist or archaeologist, but no real idea how
one got involved with these fields.
In High School, I was one of the "drama club" kids. I
did well enough on the standardized tests to make the
teachers sigh over how I didn't "apply myself" in
class. I had a passion for photography, teaching
myself camera and darkroom skills and I wanted to take
auto shop, masonry and print class, but was
discouraged because those were "vocational" subjects.
As a child of the upper middle class, I was on the
college track, and blue-collar jobs were not for me.
My parents, although supportive, never provided any
guidance about what they wanted me to be, or how to
find out what I might do in the world. I remember
asking for help. Whenever the conversation came up
they'd say "do whatever you want, we just want you to
be happy." There also was a strong unspoken
undercurrent that whatever I did, it would involve a
husband and babies.
When it came time to choose a school and an area of
study, I worried about not having a calling, but my
professors and many other adults I respected pitched
the benefits of a liberal arts education, so I studied
sciences and arts, eventually graduating with a dual
degree in arts and environmental studies.
So, here I am in my 40's, with a 20-year career in the
computer industry (that's nice and vague right?)
having worked for some very ineresting companies, on
some very interesting projects with some very
interesting people. Why don't I have any pride in what
I've done? Perhaps becuase I never intended to end up
here, doing what I do.
Recently, I've tried to find a way to shift my
identity from what I DO to what I AM I indulge my
creative side by sewing, cooking and drawing. I take
care of my body with yoga and dance. I spend time with
the people who give me energy rather than drain it.
Mostly, it is working and I am more content.
